Memoirs of Moscow -1

1) Summer camp (5 years old me)

I still remember the day when I was sent for a 1-month summer camp. It was the first time that I went somewhere without my family. Among all the students I was the most unique one. Why? because nobody else was brown in colour with black hair and brown eyes and contrary to my present looks, I was damn cute and a darling of all Russian teachers. Even today I feel that I was given special treatment by my teachers. We used to sleep in a dormitory. As soon as the lights were switched off and the door closed, the room used to change into a war zone. pillow fights, jumping from one bed to another was the norm of the night, but all this was done without making much noise. (These Russian kids are born with these qualities, no wonder they end up being good spies)

We used to get up early in the morning and exercise for 1 hour. (don't remember the exercises though). After that, we used to go to swimming classes. Two groups were made, one was the boy's group and the other was girls group. Obviously, the changing rooms were also different.

On the first day, I accidentally entered the girls changing room. All hell broke loose, the shouts were ear-shattering. I froze there while all the girls were running helter shelter, imagine a brown boy in his underwear amidst 14 white girls. After a few moments which felt like an eternity, I ran from there to the boys changing room, trust me I became a kind of a hero among all the other boys. Somehow I convinced the teachers that it was all an accident and it was I who was more embarrassed than those girls. Luckily by the time the camp got over, this small incident was forgotten.

10 ways to lose friends

How to make friends and influence people, The monk who sold his Ferrari, Who moved my cheese and many more are some of the self help books which have seldom helped anybody apart from wasting the readers valuable money and time.
How boring, why doesn't anybody write a book on how not to make friends and not influence people or who ate my cheese and farted?? Now I really want to find out how to lose friends. Some thoughts have come into my impaired mind which I would love to share with all of you.

Tell me, how many so called friends have you encountered who time and again sent you stupid SMS's, called you without any reason, and worst of all asked for money? I am sure if you are normal, then it would have happened to you in plenty. Now I have tried to find out a way to get rid of this problem, here are some valuable insights and solutions.

1) The best way to influence a person is to remember his/her name correctly. Now if you want to get rid of a friend then get his/her name wrong each and every time you call, and try to call them by a name which irritates them. I am sure nobody will like to be called by a wrong name.

2) Every time you see your friend, ask for money, ask for booze, ask for cigarettes, ask for a party, free dinner, go to a pub and drink till you pass out and make sure that you don't pay for it, believe me it works.

3) SMS the crappiest of message, and send chain mails to so called friends saying that if you don't forward it to 50 people then you will lose your hair.

4) Tell your friends parents about their boozing, smoking habits. Also tell them about all the naughty things they do when they are drunk.

5) If you want to get rid of your roomie, then start walking naked around him/her. (Obviously inside the house, but if you want to embarrass them outside then please be my guest)

6) Force your friend to watch the crappiest movie with you and make sure that he/she pays for it. After the movie tell that it was the worst experience of your life and that your friend was the most boring person to watch the movie with.

7) We hang out with friends because we find them interesting, so the best way to get rid of them is to bore them to death.(I still have to learn this art though).

8) Start embarrassing your friend whenever he/she is in front of their colleagues, ex-Start making animal mating noises and also enact it if you can.

9) Start hitting on your friends boyfriend/girlfriend in a very obvious way, say very dirty things about them.

10) Whenever you are in a crowded place, make a farting noice and close your nose in disgust and then point the finger at your friend and shout disgusting. Do that continuously for 3 times in the most unexpected places.

If at the end of all these exercises, you dont lose the friend then kindly send him/her to the nearest mental hospital.